The Marriage Game

Darling Marie, while I certainly hold affection for you, I fear you have made some truly questionable decisions that a rational woman would decry. However, you are a cousin of my dear late husband the Duke of Lorraine, and so I would of course welcome you to visit my little duchy. I would hope that you would, in the future, exercise the discretion worthy of a member of the (extended) House of Lorraine- of which the Guises are a junior branch.

Oh, no question. Fortunately, during my ... sojourn in England as a "guest" of my cousin, some of her intelligence hath rubbed of on me! I hath gained at least 20 IQ points!

So then dear Marie you now have a room temperature IQ!

*laughs heartily*

I am impressed that Marie's IQ hath declared her more than frosty. Tis also always a joy to hear that the Guise family are declared to be 'junior' to anything

Okay, back to business. Let me make out a list:

* Someone too old for much ambition
* reasonably virile
* decent in the sack
* not looking for a crown of his own
* someone who has been observed in public for many years

...um, Roger Daltrey?!

No, then my heirs would be short, violent and be cursed with curling hair, that wudst never do. However I do think he wudst make a very fine pirate.

Hapsburgs. There are so many I cannot keep track any more. I must find a new secretary to head the Department of Descendants.

Hapsburgs my lord? They are truly a most regal family whose bloodline within Europe's great houses ist far reaching. However I do hope thou art not suggesting Philip II of Spain as I admit I hold a slight grudge against him for his treatment of mine sister... and general death threats towards my royal person of course.

If thou canst suggest a possible match among them who wudst be tolerant of mine religion I would of course give him mine ardent consideration.

Archduke Charles seems to be a good young man. Stable. My younger brother's boy. He'd be tolerant if I told him to. His other boy, Ferdinand, married a local girl, commoner. Don't know why my brother let that stand. Again, tolerant if I told him to be.

The question, then, is: why should any of my boys be tolerant? What will you offer?

My lord, I offer them but a good and loyal Queen who wudst respect their own subjects and religion. I am but a woman but wise enough to govern my subjects well and cause not conflicts twixt any parties. Though educated well in all princely studies I believe strongly in the Divine Right and wudst not wish to interfere in the politics of their own kingdoms. My greatest wish is for the peace and security of our realms.

A union with what is a small yet powerful country, a great naval state with peaceful peoples and a realm whose coin ist firm by it's own true value. My realm ist well protected by it's own, well respected throughout Europe and doth not wish to interfere with others in petty war for pretty penny nor vanity.

...I cudst go on Sir, but I believe you get the meaning of my intent.

As for my own person *stares slightly to the floor then quickly pulls herself together with a deep breath* tis most difficult to recommend oneself while retaining the humility expected of a female. However I am also a prince and shall try to forgo such childish vanity as to feign girlish humility.

I have been told I am most fair of face, slight of figure and am most delicate of dainty hand. I enjoy sports as much as any man and canst ride and hunt with the best of them, but I also dance and sew and play both the lute and virginals with the dedication of a true lady. Coming from good Howard child rearing stock and as the daughter of Tudor blood I am expected to produce issue of strong health.

I would also expect to be able to converse with mine husband upon many subjects in many languages and doth write poetry in a most fine hand.

As a man of the world Sir I wudst expect thee more suited to knowing what is wanting in a wife rather than myself and would permit thee question me on any matter you think may be lacking.

Daughter for the love of God I beseech thee do not marry a Catholic Imperialist! Think of the ungainly chins my grandchildren wouldst have! Also they wouldst seek to turn England into a satellite of their Empire. *gnashes teeth* God I hate Spain!

Not a satellite- a key part.
An arrangement like that of my own grandparents. Isabel sovereign in her lands, Fernando in his. It is only in the children that the realm would be united.\

Which brings me, of course, to the key duty of any noble wife- bearing children. Your majesty is an only child and thy mother suffered miscarriages. For your vaunted Howard stock you have little to show.

Your majesty's fine chin would help to balance out my family's significant ones, which tend to be more pronounced only in the male children.

Maman, please indulge your good daughter a short while... negotiations such as these canst never be harmful and are most enlightening I find.

At some time I may have needst to marry and wud have my wits about me and the best possible match found for both the security of my kingdom and the happiness of my good self.

Ugggh! If you marry an Imperialist I shall have to kill myself. I shall reattach my head and cut it off myself, with Francois I's knife.

Daughter though must never marry! If though needst an heir adopt! Or get a turkey baster & DIY! God do not become the chattel of some man! *teeth gnashing & weeping*

I'm sorry my spelling is unusually bad tonight, I had a few w/Marie Stuart earlier.

My dear Queen Anne... I must say, not all marriages end as poorly as those of you and Henry's other wives.

Indeed, I find tales of the great Ferdinand and Isabella and the uniting of their lands most heartening.

I am indeed the only issue of mine parents union, but thou must admit mine mother wast given little chance in her marriage to do her duty afore my father didst go roaming. I am the third of his children to live long enough to rule his country and he didst of course produce many children outside of his many marriages as ist well known.

Apart from mine maman whose life wast cut short by the sword, the Howards do have strong royal blood and a large and impressive family tree. My mothers sister who was allowed to live didst produce many children.

I must thank thee for thine fine words on my chin sir, tis from the Yorkist side of my family much like that of my grandmere Elizabeth of York. Her line boasts the great beauty Elizabeth Woodville as well as their royal blood.

I am sorry but marriage and childrearing had little to recommend it to a 16th century woman

England could make a valuable ally in the never-ending struggle with France. I will think on this, Your Majesty, and consult with my brother as you do not seem interested in my own son.

And my niece is here. Hello, Christina.

Your Majesty, If it pleases thee I shall bestow upon thou title of Holy Roman Emperor.

madame tis not yours to bestow, the HRE is elected

Shutteth uppeth you understand not what I meant.

I wouldst propose Alencon. The alliance between France and Scotland hath always stood, strong and unbreakable against England. But it will not stand. An alliance between me, my cousin the Queen of England, and my brother the King of France will make the Spanish will send their toy boats back to Madrid to mold in the harbors!

Francis and I are in perfect agreement. We both want Milan. As long as he behaves himself, there will be no trouble at all. And remember, your majesty, that my sister's daughter Christina was married to your cousin of Lorraine. I can work with the French, as long as they behave.

Also, sailing a boat to the harbor of Madrid would be quite a trick, as Madrid is located inland. Perhaps your majesty meant Cadiz?